How Do You Handle the Grief Nobody Talks About?

In my last blog, I talked about a type of grief that many caregivers and families experience but rarely discuss.

Not the grief that comes after losing a loved one.

The grief that comes while they're still here.

The grief of watching abilities change.

The grief of seeing someone struggle with things they could do just weeks ago.

The grief of realizing life looks different than it did before.

The question is: what do you do with that grief?

The truth is, there isn't a perfect answer.

You can't stop the changes from happening.

You can't force time to stand still.

You can't bring back yesterday.

But you can choose where you focus your attention.

One of the biggest lessons caregiving has taught me is that sometimes we become so focused on what has been lost that we stop seeing what is still there.

We mourn the fact that Mom can't cook Thanksgiving dinner anymore.

But maybe she's still sitting at the table telling stories.

We focus on the fact that Dad can't drive anymore.

But maybe he's still enjoying the ride, pointing out things he notices along the way.

We grieve that someone needs help getting dressed.

But maybe they're still laughing at the same jokes they've laughed at for years.

When decline happens, it's easy to start measuring life by losses.

Instead, try measuring life by moments.

The smile after a good meal.

The excitement of seeing a grandchild.

The successful trip to the mailbox.

The day physical therapy went a little better.

The morning they remembered something they had forgotten.

The conversation that lasted longer than usual.

The shower that didn't end in frustration.

The walk that went a few steps farther.

These things may seem small to people on the outside.

They aren't small to the people living them.

One of my favorite things to do with clients is celebrate the little victories.

Not because I'm ignoring the hard things.

Because the hard things are already getting plenty of attention.

The little victories deserve attention too.

A client standing independently for ten seconds may not sound life-changing.

To that client, it can mean everything.

A spouse getting to enjoy a peaceful afternoon after a difficult week matters.

A good day matters.

A good hour matters.

A good moment matters.

Another thing I encourage families to do is allow themselves to feel both grief and gratitude.

You don't have to choose one or the other.

You can be heartbroken that things have changed while still being grateful for the time you have together.

You can miss the past while appreciating the present.

You can grieve what has been lost while celebrating what remains.

Those feelings are not opposites.

They often exist side by side.

Caregiving has taught me that life is rarely all good or all bad.

Most days are a mixture of both.

A difficult morning can still contain a beautiful moment.

A hard season can still contain joy.

If you're walking through this kind of grief, be gentle with yourself.

Take the pictures.

Listen to the stories.

Celebrate the victories that others might overlook.

Laugh when you can.

Cry when you need to.

And don't let the losses become so loud that you stop noticing the good things that are still happening.

Because sometimes the good things are small.

And sometimes those small things are what carry us through.

Kayla Cares LLC
Where personalized care meets the comfort of your home
📞 605-510-7952

Providing trusted, compassionate care in the Black Hills